Thursday, January 28, 2016

Ranking the Top 10 GOP Candidates: From Least Awful to Most Horrific


It's not a pretty list. 

1. Marco Rubio

The Good: I think its pretty clear he genuinely wants immigration reform; from his support of the Gang of 8 bill to his tears during the Pope's immigration speech. Reforms would drastically improve the lives of people living in the shadows, and would improve the American economy through increased skilled immigration. He also actually has talked about the need to address poverty.

The Bad: He can't manage his own finances. In other news, his budget would add a trillion dollars to the national debt

The Ugly: He is a foreign policy hawk who seems to have learned very little from global events over the past decade. He thinks abortion should be illegal even in cases of rape and wants the gay marriage decision to be overturned.

2. John Kasich

The Good: He actually has significant relevant experience; from his Budget Committee Chairmanship in the House to his leadership over the state of Ohio. He has decried some of the hate coming from the frontrunner's mouths.

The Bad: He has shown no interest in improving his state's infrastructure. He thinks Planned Parenthood should be defunded.

The Ugly: He supports a balanced budget amendment. Even conservative think tanks have warned this is a stupid idea.

3. Jeb Bush

The Good: He has stuck to his guns (mostly) on immigration reform, whereas Rubio has largely folded. Despite his last name, he seems like the least likely to embarrass American internationally.

The Bad: He possesses his brother's command of the English language, but lacks W's.......charm.

The Ugly: He has chosen the same foreign policy advisers as his brother.  Because that went well the firs time.

4. Rand Paul:

The Good: He has smart things to say about criminal justice issues, and he understands that war is not always the answer.

The Bad: He grandstands on national security issues to secure campaign donations.

The Ugly: He completely betrays his supposed libertarianism when it comes to immigration. Freedom of movement is...not a freedom.

5. Chris Christie

The Good: Governor Yells at People sometimes yells at the right people. He has actually talked about economic issues with some sense, and seems to be socially moderate by GOP standards.

The Bad:  He had the audacity to tell someone else to lose weight.

The Ugly: Seems to be trying to get to the right of the field on national security issues, which is sort of like trying to win a hot dog eating against Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut.

6. Carly Fiorina

The Good: She isn't Ted Cruz or Donald Trump.

The Bad: That Compaq Merger.

The Ugly: The Carly curse.

7. Ben Carson

The Good: I have a rebuttal when my med school friends tell me doctors are smarter than lawyers.

The Bad: I prefer my presidents to know more about foreign policy than Herman Cain and/or my sister's cat.

The Ugly: During his brief surge to the front of the pack, he made Donald Trump briefly seem intelligent and reasonable.

8. Mike Huckabee:

The Good: He seems like a nice guy if you are a straight white Christian.

The Bad: Many Americans would not fall under that category.

The Ugly: The whole Kim Davis saga.

9. Ted Cruz

The Good: He is a genius.

The Bad: He is an evil genius.

The Ugly: I thought long and hard about whether he deserved the No. 10 Spot.

10. Donald Trump.

The Good: System error. System error. System error. System error.

The Bad: He is tanking my resume. U PENN is a good school, I swear.

The Ugly: He is an incendiary bigot, a disgusting sexist, an uncompromising racist, a shameful hypocrite, knows nothing about foreign policy, knows nothing about economic policy, knows nothing about anything, and could potentially be the worst thing to happen to the United States in my lifetime.




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